I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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