Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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