this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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