i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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