Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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