MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
