70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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