as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
