I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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