so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
