Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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