Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
