I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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