woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
