Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
