Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize