do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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