I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
