woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
