my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
