I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
