somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
