I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize