i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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