dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
