I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
