If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
