No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
