Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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