God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
