And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
