WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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