Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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