Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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