Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
