My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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