i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
