everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
