im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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