You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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