hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
