two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
