Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
