it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize