dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
