I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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