There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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