Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
