I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry my hands just texted you
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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