everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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