I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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