I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize