Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My day in three words: secret purse cake
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
