I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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