I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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