don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
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