I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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