I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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