M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
