My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
