I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize