atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
