Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
