this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
